Wandering through Korea

For those of you wondering, I'm not in any relationships right now, and I guess I'm not really looking, although I wouldn't turn something down if it showed up in front of me. Instead, I gave up on the Bay Area, at least for now, and I moved to South Korea to teach English for a year. It may go longer than that. I don't know. I really needed to just get away from things and find a new space to just figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

This is a really good place for me to start a new novel, and I have a few preliminary ones that I've begun, although I'm not sure which one will be the real next one. This place can give me a lot of peace and quiet, and as I'm no longer 20 years old, this place does not hold the same allure of party town that it used to when I was here the last time. Instead, it's a place for me to get my head back together, my finances in shape, and my writing back on track. Sure, it's difficult trying to acclimate to this lifestyle here, but I'm working on it.

I did come across one woman here who was interested in some bdsm play with me, but she stood me up on the day we were to first meet. Therefore, I haven't responded back to her since then because I've always been of the belief that if someone stands you up, it really was never meant to be. Sure, it cuts down on my choices, but it just feels better to be clean, clear and precise when it comes to these things. I figure the right person will come along, and I can wait.

Checking in

This is one of those weird sites for me where I realize that I don't write in it enough. But then I realize that I don't have enough going on in my bdsm life that I need to be writing about either. I tend to live in one of those areas that is "just" outside of where things are happening. San Francisco has lots of stuff going on, but I live in Stockton, and I've never found Stockton to be all that welcoming of an area for a community. There's a munch that happens, but I attended their munch, and I felt more like I was intruding on their group than that I would ever be a part of their group, so I never went back. You ever get that feeling that people are "tolerating" you but really not wanting to talk to you? That's how it was. I then happened to be placed near a couple of dominant women who were talking really loud about how they felt they should become professionals so they could get slaves to pay for their desires. I wanted to chime in with what I knew about the bdsm professional lifestyle, in case they were serious, because it is rarely all cash and roses as they made it sound. Plus, there is an aesthetic level to taking clients, and if someone doesn't have a certain amount of the "look", that plethora of clientele isn't really going to magically appear, and I really didn't want to end up insulting someone I didn't know because of unrealistic expectations.

So, I'm finishing up school now. Or I'm done. I'm writing my thesis, and then I'm done with school. I'm trying to find a job now, and once I do, I'll move to wherever it is I need to move. I'm kind of unsure of what to do or where to go, so this is turning into a bit of a frustrating period for me, but I'm going to have to make a decision very soon, and then I'm probably going to be stuck somewhere for the next phase of my life. So far, I haven't been all that happy with my options, almost to the point of where I may end up just giving up and moving somewhere overseas, working on my writing, and forgetting the whole lifestyle itself.

But nothing's definite right now. Not in any relationships at the moment. There were a few possibilities that occurred over the last year, but they never went anywhere. I think people tend to see me as the "oh he'll always be around" kind of submissive, so they just ignore me and then get all pissy after I've moved (that's happened a few times to me in the past...people don't seem to want you when you're around and then complain when you're gone).

One thing I find amazing is that I still miss Marisha, even after a decade. I don't have any way of contacting her, so I've never been able to talk to her again, but I often wonder what she did after she left the business completely. You rarely run into someone really special, and once she's gone, you rarely run into someone else who can fill that void. The world is strange that way sometimes. But what do I know?

This site may be changing drastically soon

Yes, and it may no longer be bdsm oriented. I've given up on trying to find someone. It's never worked out for me. The reasons can be all sorts of possibilities (most probably my fault, and I accept that). I've been trying for two decades to find something, and I never have succeeded.

The ole' houseboy thing

I started doing houseboy work for a woman and her mistress in trainee in San Francisco. I've been so out of the scene that I've actually really needed something like this. And the woman who is allowing me this privilege is someone I've known for a long time and for whom I have a great deal of respect. I spent most of the time cleaning different things, like brass and leather, and it was somewhat cathartic in its process. I was also locked into an extremely heavy metal collar and a long chain that stretched from one end of the place to a locking mechanism in the bathroom. When I moved around the place, it was extremely obvious I was moving. There were no stealth movements for me.

It was actually quite nice. My understanding is that this is part of an effort to assist her associate in learning different aspects of slave training, and I'm quite proud to be able to be a part of it, although I keep it solidly in my mind that my purpose is to do as directed by both of them, and that's definitely nice.

This has the possibility of working out for however long they want and need me. My only concern is that I get the impression they're both so busy with their professional and personal lives that I may just get forgotten because there just won't be any time for me. But I will make myself as available as possible and avail myself of the wonderful opportunity for as long as it presents itself in front of me.

Eventually I hope to find an actual Mistress who will take ownership over me. But until I do, I realize I definitely need some type of control like this in my life. I have way too much freedom and self-control in my life as it is.

Always There

One of the things that has always been difficult for me as a service submissive is that most of us sincere ones fall into the category of "always there", which probably needs some explanation. Imagine yourself as a dominant woman. You have this service submissive who is loyal and will do practically everything you ask/tell him or her, and this goes on for awhile. Two sorts of things often happen that make it an interesting situation.

1. Proximity of finding what you are seeking (the sincere submissive already in your grasp) makes you feel that perhaps it might be easy to find someone just like that submissive but with extra bells and whistles. Maybe the next one is more attractive, wealthier, a different gender or whatever. So, you start going back out and exploring the multitudes of submissives out there, knowing that the statistics indicate that the odds are better for you finding what you are seeking rather than not finding what you are seeking. So, you find that more attractive one, bring him into your midst, and on the surface, it looks like you found what you were seeking. Then after a few months of fooling you, he or she reveals that he or she is not really exactly what you were seeking but was playing along in hopes of interjecting his or her personal fantasies (which don't fit the service paradigm you imagined). So you dump this new submissive to the road. And then you realize that the one who was what you were seeking is gone, and you kind of missed it while you were having so much fun with the one that was going to replace him or her.

2. When this service submissive comes into your life, you take complete advantage of him or her, and everything seems to be going all right. But you're a busy woman. You have lots of things on your dance card, so you continue doing what you're doing, and you're completely in bliss because you have this person who cooks, cleans and does everything else you desire. This gives you lots and lots of more time that you really didn't have before because you were more self-sufficient in the past, so you start to get out there in the scene even more. You attract many more players, and your dance card is filled even further. Then out of nowhere, you come home one day and the service submissive has been snatched up by another woman. And you never even suspected there was anything wrong. Oh sure, you heard him griping a bit about never seeing you, but you allowed him to show up and clean, even though you had to run off and attend a party, so "would it be okay if you locked up on your way out?" and other such things. You could trust him; I mean, he's been your dedicated house slave for months, if not years. But then he's gone, and you have no idea why. Obviously, he was not a "true" service submissive. Now you'll just have to look for another, or not look for one at all because the last one was obviously too much of a bother; I mean, he left without a warning.

What both scenarios actually signify is a sense that the service submissive is always going to be there, and if he's not, he's easily replaceable. Anyway, I've observed this a lot over the years, both with myself and with those around me. Yet, I keep seeing the exact same things happening no matter how much experience those in the scene have.

Anyway, just a thought for a Friday evening.

I think I'm going to be taking down this site

I've received no actual communication from people on this site, which indicates to me that growing it by adding articles and stories is really a useless endeavor. As such, I think in the near future I'm going to be taking down the site and folding the domain name into one of my more vanilla pursuits.

I guess you could say that's the case with most things in my life these days. I haven't found anyone that's into D/s and looking for someone like me. Therefore, it seems like a waste to have a site like this one if no one is really reading it or really cares that it exists. I'm starting to consider the very near possibility of giving up the lifestyle completely as well. Why keep trying to pursue something that generally doesn't exist for me?

Switching to a lower gear

Yeah, the last relationship didn't work for me, so I'm discontinuing my search. Maybe one day in the future, but things just aren't working out for me these days, so I kind of need to take care of that first.

What can a sub have to offer a dominant (a response)

This is a response to something I was reading recently, from a submissive who was trying to figure out what he might possibly ever have to offer a dominant woman in hopes of her taking him seriously. So here goes.

Here's some advice from someone who's been around the block a few times (translation: my mommy still won't let me cross the street). :)

You first of all have to figure out what it is you have to offer. What separates you from the crowd? This stumps a lot of submissives, but I'll let you in on a few secrets that don't work, then we'll go into some things that might work. Keep in mind that what I state here may be helpful to some, but you should never by lying about your abilities in hopes of achieving something because you'll ALWAYS be found out, and you'll never get a second chance.

What doesn't work:
1. Anatomy. Pictures of, descriptions of, fingerpaints about, Van Gogh-styled carvings of exact representations of genitalia should be the first thing you NEVER consider one of your strong points. If you're writing to a dominant woman, she already has enough of these types of inquiries from guys that she's going to go through the roof with anger if you send her another.

2. Don't tell her your a dom who has suddenly decided to offer her the unique opportunity of dominating someone who is not a submissive. Unless she knows you are already and has harbored a secret desire to dominate you, because she knows you're a dominant she wants to break down, it's never going to work.

3. Lying. One lie and you're pretty much gone. You'll rarely get a second chance.

4. Passive-aggressive behavior. No one likes this. I've been there myself in the past. Took years to get rid of it.

5. Taking yourself way too seriously. In MOST cases (not all), you really need a sense of humor about things. I was once cleaning a bathroom for a dominant woman I was really trying to win favor with, and I didn't know the first thing about the word "dilution", so I poured half the bottle on the floor and created the stickiest situation a submissive can ever be in. She was in the middle of doing a very long session and had left me alone. So, for four hours, I kept trying to figure out how to fix this mess I made. When she came out, and I completely expected her to yell at me and throw me out, she asked what happened, I told her, and she started laughing (in a good way). Surprisingly, I did, too, because for four hours I was convinced this was going to be the worst encounter ever, because I really liked her. Everything turned out okay. Sure, I had to still make it right, but at least she told me how to do it (fortunately, I'm a bit smarter about such things today than I was back then).

6. Playing games to get what you really want. Way too many do this. Don't. Be honest. Tell her what you're seeking. If it's what she thinks is something that might interest her, it will work out. Sometimes, she'll not be all that interested but now that she knows, she might one day use it as some kind of leverage with you or way of rewarding you, or something to keep from you forever because she's mean and vicious and...and...oh sorry, was getting kind of excited there.

What you should do (what you really asked):
1. Assess yourself. What do you know how to do? Are you great with computers? Can you put them together blindfolded (don't tell her that because she just might have you do it that way)? :) Are you great at massage? Have you been trained to do something she might find useful, like research or legal issues? Can you cook? Do you detail cars? Do you fix cars? Everyone has things he or she excels at. Find those, and you have something she wants. Cunnilingus is NOT the kind of skill you want to advertise. Nor is full body worship or sex.

2. Use common sense. If you were her, what would you want? Read what she writes. Does she complain because she can't find a good cup of coffee? Find her a good cup of coffee. Or be able to make one.

3. Remember that she's a real person. Too many submissives fail here. Miserably. They treat her as a goddess or some untouchable persona, and while she may warrant such admiration and respect, keep in mind that she's also a real person. Should you ever interest such a woman, remember that she's probably a lot more comfortable in her fuzzy slippers than she is in high heeled boots and full dominant regalia. Some guys can't get beyond that, or they pretend to but really are just fetishist in nature.

4. Figure out what you actually want from her and see if that somehow coincides with her desires. I'll be honest with you. I rarely pursue anyone, mainly because I spend a great deal of time finding everything out about her I can, and then I try to see how I would best fit into her life. If I don't see a fit, I generally don't make contact. I realize that I don't want to be there if I'm not going to be useful, wanted and needed.

5. Learn as much about her as possible. That at least shows you that you're really interested in her and not in just some generic dominant woman. This can backfire on you, however, as I discovered when I really went out and discovered everything I could about a woman I was interested in some years ago. I found out what she was studying and read all of her interviews about what she was seeking. I did this to determine whether or not I was right for her, and I came away from that research convinced that I was. During our first encounter, I sort of freaked her out, probably leaving her thinking I was some kind of stalker. So be careful about how you do it. Know her well enough to find out if you are compatible, but don't go overboard enough to scare the crap out of her. It didn't get that bad in the example I used; but I certainly realized it could have.