Curent things

I haven't updated this blog in forever, so I thought I'd just make a quick comment to let people know I'm still alive. I was in Korea up until last week when I decided I was getting cheated a bit too much, so I came back home to San Francisco. I'm currently looking for both an apartment and a job. I'll find both, but it's a bit stressful while looking.

Otherwise, things are going okay. I'm a lot healthier these days than I've been in a long time. My attitude is also a lot better than it's been in some time. I'm pretty sure things will work out, and hopefully I'll have lots to say. Don't know if anyone reads this ever, but if you do, hopefully I'll have useful things to say soon.

Wandering through Korea

For those of you wondering, I'm not in any relationships right now, and I guess I'm not really looking, although I wouldn't turn something down if it showed up in front of me. Instead, I gave up on the Bay Area, at least for now, and I moved to South Korea to teach English for a year. It may go longer than that. I don't know. I really needed to just get away from things and find a new space to just figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

This is a really good place for me to start a new novel, and I have a few preliminary ones that I've begun, although I'm not sure which one will be the real next one. This place can give me a lot of peace and quiet, and as I'm no longer 20 years old, this place does not hold the same allure of party town that it used to when I was here the last time. Instead, it's a place for me to get my head back together, my finances in shape, and my writing back on track. Sure, it's difficult trying to acclimate to this lifestyle here, but I'm working on it.

I did come across one woman here who was interested in some bdsm play with me, but she stood me up on the day we were to first meet. Therefore, I haven't responded back to her since then because I've always been of the belief that if someone stands you up, it really was never meant to be. Sure, it cuts down on my choices, but it just feels better to be clean, clear and precise when it comes to these things. I figure the right person will come along, and I can wait.

Checking in

This is one of those weird sites for me where I realize that I don't write in it enough. But then I realize that I don't have enough going on in my bdsm life that I need to be writing about either. I tend to live in one of those areas that is "just" outside of where things are happening. San Francisco has lots of stuff going on, but I live in Stockton, and I've never found Stockton to be all that welcoming of an area for a community. There's a munch that happens, but I attended their munch, and I felt more like I was intruding on their group than that I would ever be a part of their group, so I never went back. You ever get that feeling that people are "tolerating" you but really not wanting to talk to you? That's how it was. I then happened to be placed near a couple of dominant women who were talking really loud about how they felt they should become professionals so they could get slaves to pay for their desires. I wanted to chime in with what I knew about the bdsm professional lifestyle, in case they were serious, because it is rarely all cash and roses as they made it sound. Plus, there is an aesthetic level to taking clients, and if someone doesn't have a certain amount of the "look", that plethora of clientele isn't really going to magically appear, and I really didn't want to end up insulting someone I didn't know because of unrealistic expectations.

So, I'm finishing up school now. Or I'm done. I'm writing my thesis, and then I'm done with school. I'm trying to find a job now, and once I do, I'll move to wherever it is I need to move. I'm kind of unsure of what to do or where to go, so this is turning into a bit of a frustrating period for me, but I'm going to have to make a decision very soon, and then I'm probably going to be stuck somewhere for the next phase of my life. So far, I haven't been all that happy with my options, almost to the point of where I may end up just giving up and moving somewhere overseas, working on my writing, and forgetting the whole lifestyle itself.

But nothing's definite right now. Not in any relationships at the moment. There were a few possibilities that occurred over the last year, but they never went anywhere. I think people tend to see me as the "oh he'll always be around" kind of submissive, so they just ignore me and then get all pissy after I've moved (that's happened a few times to me in the past...people don't seem to want you when you're around and then complain when you're gone).

One thing I find amazing is that I still miss Marisha, even after a decade. I don't have any way of contacting her, so I've never been able to talk to her again, but I often wonder what she did after she left the business completely. You rarely run into someone really special, and once she's gone, you rarely run into someone else who can fill that void. The world is strange that way sometimes. But what do I know?

This site may be changing drastically soon

Yes, and it may no longer be bdsm oriented. I've given up on trying to find someone. It's never worked out for me. The reasons can be all sorts of possibilities (most probably my fault, and I accept that). I've been trying for two decades to find something, and I never have succeeded.

The ole' houseboy thing

I started doing houseboy work for a woman and her mistress in trainee in San Francisco. I've been so out of the scene that I've actually really needed something like this. And the woman who is allowing me this privilege is someone I've known for a long time and for whom I have a great deal of respect. I spent most of the time cleaning different things, like brass and leather, and it was somewhat cathartic in its process. I was also locked into an extremely heavy metal collar and a long chain that stretched from one end of the place to a locking mechanism in the bathroom. When I moved around the place, it was extremely obvious I was moving. There were no stealth movements for me.

It was actually quite nice. My understanding is that this is part of an effort to assist her associate in learning different aspects of slave training, and I'm quite proud to be able to be a part of it, although I keep it solidly in my mind that my purpose is to do as directed by both of them, and that's definitely nice.

This has the possibility of working out for however long they want and need me. My only concern is that I get the impression they're both so busy with their professional and personal lives that I may just get forgotten because there just won't be any time for me. But I will make myself as available as possible and avail myself of the wonderful opportunity for as long as it presents itself in front of me.

Eventually I hope to find an actual Mistress who will take ownership over me. But until I do, I realize I definitely need some type of control like this in my life. I have way too much freedom and self-control in my life as it is.

Always There

One of the things that has always been difficult for me as a service submissive is that most of us sincere ones fall into the category of "always there", which probably needs some explanation. Imagine yourself as a dominant woman. You have this service submissive who is loyal and will do practically everything you ask/tell him or her, and this goes on for awhile. Two sorts of things often happen that make it an interesting situation.

1. Proximity of finding what you are seeking (the sincere submissive already in your grasp) makes you feel that perhaps it might be easy to find someone just like that submissive but with extra bells and whistles. Maybe the next one is more attractive, wealthier, a different gender or whatever. So, you start going back out and exploring the multitudes of submissives out there, knowing that the statistics indicate that the odds are better for you finding what you are seeking rather than not finding what you are seeking. So, you find that more attractive one, bring him into your midst, and on the surface, it looks like you found what you were seeking. Then after a few months of fooling you, he or she reveals that he or she is not really exactly what you were seeking but was playing along in hopes of interjecting his or her personal fantasies (which don't fit the service paradigm you imagined). So you dump this new submissive to the road. And then you realize that the one who was what you were seeking is gone, and you kind of missed it while you were having so much fun with the one that was going to replace him or her.

2. When this service submissive comes into your life, you take complete advantage of him or her, and everything seems to be going all right. But you're a busy woman. You have lots of things on your dance card, so you continue doing what you're doing, and you're completely in bliss because you have this person who cooks, cleans and does everything else you desire. This gives you lots and lots of more time that you really didn't have before because you were more self-sufficient in the past, so you start to get out there in the scene even more. You attract many more players, and your dance card is filled even further. Then out of nowhere, you come home one day and the service submissive has been snatched up by another woman. And you never even suspected there was anything wrong. Oh sure, you heard him griping a bit about never seeing you, but you allowed him to show up and clean, even though you had to run off and attend a party, so "would it be okay if you locked up on your way out?" and other such things. You could trust him; I mean, he's been your dedicated house slave for months, if not years. But then he's gone, and you have no idea why. Obviously, he was not a "true" service submissive. Now you'll just have to look for another, or not look for one at all because the last one was obviously too much of a bother; I mean, he left without a warning.

What both scenarios actually signify is a sense that the service submissive is always going to be there, and if he's not, he's easily replaceable. Anyway, I've observed this a lot over the years, both with myself and with those around me. Yet, I keep seeing the exact same things happening no matter how much experience those in the scene have.

Anyway, just a thought for a Friday evening.

I think I'm going to be taking down this site

I've received no actual communication from people on this site, which indicates to me that growing it by adding articles and stories is really a useless endeavor. As such, I think in the near future I'm going to be taking down the site and folding the domain name into one of my more vanilla pursuits.

I guess you could say that's the case with most things in my life these days. I haven't found anyone that's into D/s and looking for someone like me. Therefore, it seems like a waste to have a site like this one if no one is really reading it or really cares that it exists. I'm starting to consider the very near possibility of giving up the lifestyle completely as well. Why keep trying to pursue something that generally doesn't exist for me?

Switching to a lower gear

Yeah, the last relationship didn't work for me, so I'm discontinuing my search. Maybe one day in the future, but things just aren't working out for me these days, so I kind of need to take care of that first.